Currently the world is a little up in the air to say the least. We are in the midst of a global pandemic, work is both becoming scarce and yet more hectic, opportunities are advertised as being everywhere and are yet out of grasp. The constant feeling of not quite being where you need or want to be parallels that of learning language so both hand in hand can be a knock on the senses. This isn’t a love letter to help everyone feel better in an instant but maybe just a summation of feelings that can be relatable and maybe shed some light on a blue moment. As it stands I am currently praying and waiting for a spring revival of both my emotions and my motivations.
I suppose the first thing to address is what part of us is not feeling okay and why. In all honesty it’s hard to put your finger on it sometimes but at least for the moment targets and goals feel farther away than they ever have been. The majority of media portrays simple solutions to everything we need and the beautiful success of others is plastered across social media and television without a mention to the silent efforts in the background. It’s easy to feel insubstantial or even lazy compared to the ever working façade of the best studiers and workers of our time. It’s straight up unhealthy to think we can live up to the image that we are force-fed but even with the knowledge that that is the case the feelings won’t fall in line with it. I would bet that a lot of you out there are either dissatisfied with your current skill level in a hobby, your job, your living situation or a number of other factors. The unfortunate fact of life is that change is never easy even if it’s for the better. I think a short synopsis of my current situation can at least give a bit of context to my current feelings and maybe make things a bit more relatable.
My goals in life are to work in the field of language. I want to be able to teach and speak with other budding language learners and help those that have a passion for communication. As such my goals include developing my own language to fluency. This has so far only been a side project but more and more I’ve pushed and worked to make this a future for myself. As a workaholic and a time-conscious introvert in their late 20’s it’s in my nature to think of what can be achieved before the big 3-0 hits. And although 30 is just a number almost reaching 30 after 2 years of chaos and slog feels like you’ve had chances snatched away from you. Personally since leaving university (and not effectively using my degree) I haven’t really worked for me and for my future. More just following the routine to ensure the bills are paid. This little venture has been a compass point for me but the fuel to keep going through the winter blues and hard shifts has waned to a point where I am sad to see the thing I want to do in front of me and no enthusiasm to do them. I have a mountain of goals ahead of me, and I don’t say that as a metaphor for a struggle I don’t want to do but for an exciting journey where I want to get to the peak and look out proudly. I want to improve and I want to want to improve. These low moments are temporary but incredibly loud.
The double edged sword of working and learning with games is that willpower is a key factor in continuing with the right focus. It takes practice to ensure you are being the best version of yourself while you play but your body will not work if your mind is overwhelmed with sadness or stress. Games and language are pillars in my opportunity to reach a point of freedom, being able to work with my passions and interact with like-minded peers however the constant juxtaposition of wanting to work or progress out of the rut you are in whilst being numb to the concept of making that progress is a mental spiral that has few escapes. When your brain is switched off by exhaustion or emotion you can witness ideas and opportunities as they pass but there is nothing in you to bring them to action. The only thing worse than not knowing how to get to where you want to be is knowing how to get there and being too tired to take the steps.
As you may have seen in other texts I’ve put together this isn’t the first low among the peaks and troughs but it certainly feels like a significant one as I’m sure it does for a lot of you. Due to the nature of my environments I have seen others around crumble from time to time and it hurts to know that they scream for a better role or new skills to help them get away but alas the mind holds them back. It is important to take note of the number of people out there who are swamped and feel out of place. Your thoughts are your worst enemy and more often than not they are false. Some of you may be at the start of your journey or a good ways in but with the constantly moving goalposts of wanting to improve your language you are almost destined to feel inadequate. You may find yourself setting smaller goals in order to make things feel more achievable too but should you fail it hits a bit harder while your targets are small and your psyche is more delicate than usual.
By whatever metric you measure your success it is an adversary that you can overcome. Little notable steps make a world of difference and even something as little as getting your emotions on a page can make things seem a bit more tolerable. In a very literal sense this very blog is a step for me to acknowledge that not being okay is acceptable. Negative self talk is ingrained into a lot of our body clocks, and as much as we may push it for a time it’ll likely return before long. Each time it does, look back at what’s been done so far. For languages in particular I would wager that everyone who is reading this is significantly better at their target language than they were a year ago or even a month ago. As much as I haven’t been able to work to my best recently I am aware that it’s not entirely down to me not being good enough and I know that if I acknowledge the source of these feelings then I can continue to improve.
I’m sure if you’ve clicked on this article you’ve either been to a hard point in your studies or are currently there. I would urge you to take the time to speak with someone, it’s easy to feel like people aren’t there or that they don’t have time for you but people are more open that it may feel when you’re blue. I am approachable at any point and want to ensure more and more people feel a sense of community and hope for what they can do in the future. Maybe together we can minimize any periods of feeling it’s not possible to achieve the goals we set. I will continue to study daily and in time, this blog or a product of it will result in me being more free or more proud of my abilities.
頑張って皆さん
Games & Kanji 